Moon R3T8

人到底有多麻木，才會一直重複做著自己也不清楚意義何在的行為？

How emotionally numb can humans be that they subscribe to repeating behaviours that they don't even know the meaning of?

十月的某一天，腦袋裡在我半睡半醒時冒出了一個念頭：說不定我早就死了，只是我沒發現。

One day in October, a thought came to my mind when I was half asleep: Maybe I had died a long time ago, but it’s just, I didn't realize it.

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——只因為我太習慣煩惱這些煩惱，承擔這些責任，承攬別人的期望，反芻那些罪疚，期望我尚未能獲得的人生——這些種種聚合形成一種特殊的慣性，或者說引力，拉著我順從這個身份附帶的一切持續運作。跟地縛靈一樣。跟籠子門開著也不懂得自己走出去的動物一樣。

——Just because I am too used to worrying about these troubles, taking on these responsibilities, accepting other people's expectations, ruminating on those guilts, and hoping for a life that I have not yet obtained - all these aggregates to form a special kind of inertia, or gravity, that pulls me. It continues to function as I submit to everything that comes with this identity. Same as a stone tape ghost. Same as an animal that doesn't know how to get out even if the cage door is open.

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最近看了《京城怪物 2》，劇中的男主角失去了過去所有記憶，但是他完全過著如普通市民一般的日子。我突然想到了什麼，跟室友說，我們的自我認同，就是「我是誰」，其實很大一部份來自我們對外界發出了訊號，而週遭環境又是如何回應我們的，在這一來一往中，逐漸形成了對自己的認知。

I recently watched K-drama Gyeongseong Creature 2. The male protagonist in the play has lost all his memories, but he lives a life like an ordinary citizen. I suddenly thought of something and told my roommate that our self-identity, the "who I am", is In fact largely comes from the stimulation we send to the outside world, and how the surrounding environment responds to us. As this went along, we gradually formed an understanding of the “self”.

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所以有一天你醒來，過去的事都想不起來了，但有人向你解釋說你因為一場意外所以失憶了，或是更科幻一點，你執行了一個任務，現在你回來了，現在你有名字，你有一個身份，周遭的人都用符合這個身份的態度跟你互動，你行走在社會上完全沒問題。這樣你覺得用哪一個「我」活下去，會有什麼差別嗎？

So one day you wake up and can’t remember anything from the past, but someone explains to you that you lost your memory because of an accident, or add a tint of sci-fi, you went on a mission, and now you’re back. Now you have a name, you have an identity, and people around you interact with you in an attitude consistent with that identity, and you have no problem living here. In this case, do you think it will make any difference which "I" you use to live?

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我回想起這個職業給我的第一個出其不意，就是開設門診時要寫自我介紹，還要放照片。那是我第一次意識到，並不是只有藝人才是露臉的職業。而且自我介紹要自己寫，要用宣傳的口氣，其實超級尷尬的，至少對我來說超級尷尬。西醫分科還可以很明確的寫專科訓練項目，中醫要照西醫的文風寫，會變得超級奇怪，從頭髮皮膚指甲到內臟、從內科到跌打損傷都涵蓋到。

I recall that the first surprise that this profession gave me was that when opening a clinic, I had to write a self-introduction and put a photo. That was the first time I realized that being an entertainer is not the only profession that shows one’s face. Moreover, you have to write your own” doctor profile” (for posting on the webpage of the hospital) and use a promotional tone, which is actually super embarrassing, at least for me. For physicians of Western medicine, they probably can show their sub-disciplines training as specialist of the kind. But for Traditional Chinese medicine, it becomes super weird if you try to classify what the doctors can do and their specialty, as it might well cover diseases or symptoms of various disciplines– from the scalp, skin, and nails to internal organs, and therapy of sprain and other injuries.

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後來我去尋求信任的師長建議，他說你就是要把症狀都寫出來，因為民眾會一條一條比對，有講到他的問題他就會來看。這是一個很明確的指引，但我還是躊躇許久，我不敢做出過度的承諾，或讓人以為如此；我可以照著當時選擇到西醫睡眠專科訓練的東西去寫，但我也不是只看那些。最後我折衷寫了我較多接觸過的疾病，避開跟前輩們重複的，（基於尊重，也基於某種文化）寫了幾個我覺得我比較做得來、不會產生抗拒感的。

So I went to seek advice from my trusted teacher, and he said that you should write down all symptoms you provide treatment, because people will compare their discomfort one by one, and if it’s on the list you’ve mentioned, they will come to your clinic. This is a very clear guideline, but I still hesitated for a long time. I dare not make over-promises or make people think so. I could write according to the Sleep Medicine training I’ve been through, but that’s just part of what I do. In the end, I compromised and listed out the diseases/ailments I‘ve treated several cases before, (also have to avoid overlapping with the senior co-workers) (due to respect, and also unwritten rules), and a few that I think I can do better and will like to devote to.

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但最近我才意識到，我長久以來的內心衝突，罪魁禍首就是那個醫師宣傳海報上的文案。

But recently I realized that the root cause of my long-standing inner conflict was on that profile poster.

這個社會把醫療當作服務產品在販賣，也把醫師的權威形象當作加值條件在使用。

This society sells medical care as a service product and uses the authoritative image of doctors as a promotion.

以前開會或同仁之間聽到「提升中醫利用率」一詞，那種氛圍彷彿這是某種崇高的精神指標。我相信用意是良善的，但我總覺得某種怪。我總覺得現在可以自由選擇，只要付費就可以要求的服務，是否我們其實是把檢傷（甚至診斷）的工作交給普羅大眾自由發揮了。

I heard the term "TCM utilization rate (Growth of Population in TCM Industry)" in meetings and between dialogues of co-workers before, and the vibe is that our end goal is to promote the rate. I believe it came out of benign intentions, but I always felt a little strange. Now that we are free to choose and request services as long as we pay, we are actually leaving the work of pre-screening triage (or even diagnosis) to the general public.

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台灣的醫療，好像讓人變得不那麼珍惜自己的身體，同時又不太能接受身體的變化，某種程度上就是善於過度使用身體，對日常保養又不夠重視。一旦不舒服了，還以為治療後就可以恢復理想中的樣子。也因為照顧身體的工作可以外包給別人，於是那個被外包的別人，就得面對「客戶的聲音」，因為有時可能不如客戶預期。

Taiwan's medical services seem to make people less cherish their own health, and at the same time less able to accept changes in their body. To some extent, they are good at overusing their body and many people do not care enough about routine maintenance of their body. Once they feel uncomfortable, they think that they can return to their ideal condition after treatment. Also because the work of taking care of the health can be outsourced to others, the outsourced person will have to face the VOC--"voice of customer", as the result may not meet what the client expected.

後來我才明白，我只能引導，而不是把解決問題的責任都攬在自己身上，因為這不僅是一種傲慢，也是在自虐，滿足患者所有要求也不一定對他是好的。

Later I realized that I could only guide, rather than take all the responsibility for solving the problem on myself, because this was not only a kind of arrogance, but also self-abuse, and meeting all the patient's requirements was not necessarily good for them.

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就我的成長經驗來說，有許多狀況，都是在自己家裡可以處理好的。小時候家裡常備有急救箱，受傷了可以自己消毒包紮；生病發燒，媽媽知道要煮什麼給我喝，或摘某種植物的葉子給我泡澡。如果媽媽不會，問曾祖母也都知道怎麼處理。大人們對於家裡有人受傷、生病、或是死亡，都不太大驚小怪，所以我們小孩子也不覺得可怕。

From my experience growing up, there are many situations that can be handled at home. When I was a child, there was always a first aid kit at home. If I was injured, I could disinfect and bandage it myself. When I got sick or had a fever, my mother knew what to cook for me to drink, or she would pick leaves from certain plants and give me a bath. If mother doesn't know how to deal with it, ask great-grandmother and she will tell you what to do. Adults don't make too much of a fuss when someone in the family gets hurt, sick, or dies, so we kids don't find it scary either.

現在的人，好像任何不舒服都可能被當成是「病」，是病的話當然就找醫生了。我在想，在醫療變得這麼普及之前，這些人都會在哪裡、如何解決這些問題的呢？現在演變成這樣，那又是什麼消失了呢？

Nowadays, it seems that any discomfort may be regarded as a "disease". If it is an illness, of course you will see a doctor. I wonder where and how would these people be solving these problems before medical care became so commonplace? Now that things have changed like this, what has disappeared?

𓇢𓏸𓏹𓏏 ＊ ⋈