Nino d'Heresie

  眼前是一道潺潺溪流，在陰影裡溪水是半透明的橄欖石色，既澄澈又混濁。它湍急的沖刷在滿是黑色尖石的河床和河岸上，發出咕嚕咕嚕的聲音。 有一隻手，手指併攏、掌面朝上，穿入水中約兩個指節深。 「你只要把水面弄平整就行了。」一個聲音說。 「那怎麼可能？」我下意識的回應，好像突然想起什麼事一樣猛然抬頭，似乎又在找尋聲音的來源。 「你現在想做的就是這樣的事，所以你才會痛苦。」 手又抽出於水面之上。而溪水依舊潺潺的流著，對於手是否在它之內還是之外，皆無動於衷，無關緊要。 手移出水面之後，溪流還是原來的溪流，手還是原來的手，彼此沒有什麼好糾纏的，彷彿一切從未發生過。 Before me was a babbling brook. In the shadows, the stream held a translucent peridot colour, translucent yet murky in the shade. It rushed swiftly over the riverbed and banks strewn with black, sharp stones, making a gurgling sound. Then I saw an outstretched, cupped palm dip its finger tips in the water. “All you want to do is level the water,” a voice said. “How is that possible?” I responded reflexively, suddenly looking up as if I had just remembered something, as if searching for the source of the sound. “That's what you're trying to do right now, and that's why you're in pain.” The hand pulled out of the water again. The stream continued to flow gently, unmoved and unaffected; it doesn...

  在少了醫學背景知識的狀況下，一個人會如何主觀的「認為」（或不認為）自己生病了？我對此感到很好奇。一個人是如何「認出」自己進入了失序的狀態？ / 前幾天剛讀完波蘭作家Stanislaw Lem的科幻小說《索拉力星》。萊姆有四本小說的主題是地球太空船接觸外星球，遇見外星「生物」，分別是《Eden》、《Fiasco》、《Invincible》與《Solaris》，可以說都是挫敗的故事，各有不同的方式與原因。如果在挫敗的原因中強調缺乏了解、無法溝通等等，那麼《索拉力星》把了解與溝通的問題帶到更深的核心，因為在索拉力星的海洋裡，一直蒙著一層無法以「理」破解的紗。人類要溝通的外星生物竟是深藏在人內心之自我的一部份。科學家們雖然拚命想以理性思維去解讀現象與生命型態，扯後腿的卻是每個人自己內心深處、理性之光無法找到的黑暗。 我們有多麼了解自己，我們如何與自己溝通？《索拉力星》給人類提出了一個問題：如果不能先了解自己的內在世界，我們能夠真正了解外在宇宙嗎？ 𓍯𓂃 ֶָ˖ ࣪⊹ 飲食失序（eating disorder）經常被視為是一種生活狀態（lifestyle）的選擇，事實上卻是多重成因且可能致命的疾病，這些疾病會導致個人受到飲食行為的高度困擾。對食物、體重、體型高度執迷也是飲食失序的警訊，常見的類型有厭食症、暴食症以及嗜食症。這些疾病可能造成患者低血壓、體溫過低、電解質失衡、心律不整、喉嚨受損、腸胃功能損壞、骨質疏鬆、牙齒腐蝕、脫水、腦部受損等，甚至可導致多重器官衰竭而死亡。 Eating disorders are often viewed as a lifestyle choice, but they are in fact multi-faceted and potentially fatal illnesses that cause significant distress in an individual's eating behaviour. An obsession with food, weight, and body shape is also a warning sign of an eating disorder. Common types include anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorde...

  反移情恨意是治療師在治療過程中，無意識的對患者產生了強烈的敵意、厭惡、憤怒、挫敗等負面情感。最初由精神分析師溫尼考特提出此概念，形容它是一種「厭惡」和「惡意」的混合體，想要與對方保持距離，並摻雜了某種殘忍、更具攻擊性的情感。 Hate in countertransference refers to the intense (often unconscious)  aversion, malice, rage, or frustration that a therapist experiences toward a patient during the course of treatment. First introduced by  Donald Winnicott  in 1949, counter-transference hate is described as a mixture of “aversion” —the desire to distance oneself, and “malice”—a more sadistic or aggressive feeling. 反移情恨意是治療師在面對特別棘手、強烈防衛，或有破壞性的患者時不可避免的反應。這些患者之所以一再挑戰治療師的底線，往往是出於內在的混亂或被拋棄的恐懼。因為他們認為，如果治療師能夠忍受他們的所作所為，而不會報復或拋棄他們，才能證明這位治療師是值得信任的。 Hate in countertransference is an unavoidable reaction for therapists when faced with particularly difficult and destructive patients. These patients often test the therapist's limits out of their inner turmoil or fear of abandonment. They think that if the therapist proves to survive their own hate without retaliating or abandoning them, it’s the on...

  在呼吸生理學中，「loop gain 環路增益」是用於衡量換氣的回饋調控機制的穩定性，它反映了身體對血中氣體濃度（主要是二氧化碳）的擾動產生反應的震盪程度。 它的定義是「controller gain（化學感受器敏感性—主要是腦幹的後斜方核）」與「plant gain（肺部呼吸換氣的效率）」的乘積。 Loop gain in the respiratory system is a measure of the stability of the feedback loop that controls ventilation, reflecting how heavily the ventilatory response to disturbances in blood gas levels (mainly PaCO2).  It is defined as the product of controller gain (sensitivity to blood gases, primarily driven by central chemoreceptors in the brainstem–retrotrapezoid nucleus, RTN) and plant gain (how effectively the lungs change blood gases).  Loop gain > 1 表示容易過度換氣（過度補償），導致不穩定、振盪的呼吸。 A loop gain >1 indicates that the respiratory system tends to overcompensate, leading to unstable, oscillating breathing. (Breathing tends to go off-balance and takes a long time for the body to regain balance.) Loop gain < 1 表示呼吸系統能維持穩定幅度的自我修正。 A loop gain <1 indicates a stable, self-correcting system. High loop gain是導致潮式呼吸及中樞型睡眠呼吸...

  壓力與創傷和暴飲暴食以及其他飲食失調有關，然而比起生理和心理方面的討論，非人際創傷，也就是社會文化的論述，則相對較少。 只有當我們考慮到周遭環境與影響行為的經濟力時，才能了解此時此刻人類的處境：寂寞、憂鬱、無意義感，會促進消費與過度飲食行為。 Stress and trauma have been linked to overeating and other eating disorders. However, compared to discussions of physiological and psychological aspects, noninterpersonal factors, namely sociocultural factors, are relatively understudied. Only when we consider the surrounding environment and the economic forces influencing behaviour can we understand what humans are facing at this moment: loneliness, depression, and a sense of meaninglessness can promote consumption and overeating.  在過去，「生產」是判斷一個人身份地位的核心組織原則，而非消費能力。然而在今日，身份地位往往無關於我們生產了什麼，而是和我們消費了什麼更有關係。這是一種社會意識型態：建立階級差別，以物質商品來決定持有者的社會地位和聲望。 在消費主義之下，當我們想要整理自己的內心世界和自我時，「獲得」與「擁有」便成為深層的心理需求，消費變成了自我發展和自我實現的工具，因為能夠消費和擁有商品，就象徵著擁有選擇和自由。 In the past, "production" capacity, rather than consumption capacity, was the core organisational principle for determining a person's social status. However, in today's ...

  今天自己試了蟬蛻，比想像的不臭耶，甚至可以說味道蠻好的，聞起來，涼涼香香的。 處方已經跟其他藥粉混在一起了，裡面還有佛手柑，不過很確定沒有一些動物類藥會有的腥味 室友說因為蟬只吃樹汁，所以會有樹木的香氣。然後說以前捉蟬，其實吃起來像蝦米，就是香香酥酥，但比較偏植物的香... 「也像炸豆腐的皮的那種脆皮」她邊說、彷彿開滿小花 「好喔，就是比蛇和青蛙好吃就對了」天然的洋芋片，我決定這麼理解 「現在這樣講起來還會回味無窮耶——」 我們以前也討論過「蟬蛻」到底算不算素的？我覺得是素的，因為是蟬不要的殼 蟬蛻對喉嚨是很好用的藥，以前在醫院和診所都沒有進這個（或是設在自費或鎖檔），那時候就心想，要是我有自己的診所就要有這個藥。所以我就進了 I tried cicada slough myself today, and they weren't as smelly as I expected; in fact, they smelled quite nice, cool and fragrant. The prescription is already mixed with other powdered medicines, including bergamot, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't have the funky smell that some animal-based medicines have. My roommate said that cicadas only eat tree sap, which is why they smell of trees. Then she said that when she used to catch cicadas, they tasted like dried shrimp—fragrant and crispy, but with a more plant-like aroma… “It's also like the crispy skin of fried tofu,” she said, her eyes sparkling with delight. “Okay, it's definitely tastier than snakes ...