最近一直有種感觸，一個畫面：飛彈掃過後的破敗地景，大雨讓腳下溼滑，能見度只有周遭幾公尺，在一片黑色當中踽踽獨行。
有的時候，讓人感到迷惘的事情是找不到答案的，因為那是關於你自己人生的問題。
I have had a feeling recently, a picture looming in my mind: the devastated landscape after a missile sweep, the ground made slippery by the heavy rain, the vision blurred by smoke and haze that all you can see is only a few meters around, and I am walking alone in the darkness.
Sometimes, the things that confuse you have no answers because they relate to your life questions.
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我沒實際經歷過戰爭，但最近這種感受特別深刻。可能是看了《魷魚遊戲2》的關係吧。這部劇讓我回想起許多人生時刻。我頗能體會什麼叫做沒有時間驚愕與悲傷，只能被猛力推著往前是什麼狀況。也知道那些害到你、傷到你的人也有他們的狀況（也可能沒有），不一定是他們不好，很多時候他們是能力不足以顧及到你，還有他們很恐懼。
I have never experienced war, but I have deeply been on this. Maybe it’s because I watched “Squid Game 2”. This K-drama reminds me of many moments in my life. I can quite relate to the scenario that you have no time to be too shocked to move, you have no time for morning but pushed forward violently. I also know that those who caused harm to you or hurt you directly or indirectly also have their own reasons (or may not). It is not necessarily that they are bad people. Oftentimes they just cannot think of what they’ve done will cause harm to you, and they are scared.
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我也可以體會想要懲罰垃圾、把垃圾趕盡殺絕的遊戲負責人是什麼想法。但我覺得即使是這樣，執行的人也不該是我，我跟他們一樣都只是個普通人，我不了解他們，也沒有立場這麼做。
I can also understand the mindset of the Front Man who wants to punish the asshole and eliminate them all. But I think even if this is the case, I should not be the one to carry out the execution. I am just an ordinary person like them. I don’t understand them and I have no right to do so.
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我對人生的感受就是這樣的，每個人都在面對自己的戰爭，只能自己面對自己的。就算你想幫你愛的人也無法幫到他，愛你的人想幫你也無法真正幫到你，每個人都只能面對自己的困境。雖然有朝夕相處的人，距離很近，但實則非常遙遠。
This is how I feel towards “life.” Everyone is facing his own war and can only face his own battle. Even if you want to help the person you love, you cannot help him. Even if the person who loves you wants to help you, they cannot really help you. Everyone can only face their own difficulties by themselves. Although there are people who live together, share the room and are very close to each other, they are still very far away from each other.
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生活中聽到的一句話、看到的一段文字、看劇時印象深刻的一幕⋯⋯我知道講出這些話的人、寫下這段文字的人、演出這段劇目的人，他們有的已不在世上、有的跟我一樣還活著⋯⋯他們都不是對著我講出這些話的，他們不知道這些東西會被我聽見、看到。
I know that the people who said these words, wrote these lines, and performed these plays … some are no longer in this world, and some are still alive like me... they didn't say these words to me, they didn't know that I would hear and see them.
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我只是逐漸不知道醫療究竟是什麼了。這是一種無以名狀的冷，這種時候，任何撿到可以稍微裹在身上的東西都好。而那些片斷的東西就是在我不知道該如何繼續下去的時候，手上偶然抓到的東西。
I just gradually lost track of what “healthcare” should be. It was an undefinable cold. At times like this, anything that could be picked up to wrap myself up would be useful. And those fragments are what I accidentally grabbed when I didn't know how to proceed.
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我以為我在做治療，幫助病人。但有一天發現，病人可能不是真的病人，那我又在做什麼呢？我做了我認為所有能做的事，不做我認為不能做的事，以為在幫助人，以為這樣是在保護人。但人們還是不滿足，還是一直重複同樣的問題，還是會不高興。我真的有在幫助人嗎？我有在做對的事嗎？我有把他們帶到一個更好的地方嗎？我有在做任何有意義的事嗎？
I thought I was doing therapy, helping patients. But one day I discovered that the patient might not be a real patient, so what am I doing? I did everything I thought I could do, and didn't do things I thought I shouldn't do, thinking that I was helping people and protecting people. But people are still not satisfied, still keep repeating the same questions, still feel unhappy. Am I really helping people? Am I doing the right thing? Am I leading them to a better place? Am I doing anything meaningful?
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每次有「這裡痛痛」的病人，覺得這裡那裡不對勁，頻繁來要求治療的人，我都會感到——莫名的憤怒，同時又對有這樣情緒的自己感到很內疚，我覺得我不可以這樣。
Every time a patient with "I have pain here" complaints, who feels something off here and there come ask for treatment frequently, I feel —inexplicably angry, and at the same time feel very guilty for having such emotions. I shouldn't be like this.
我這樣還能當醫生嗎？每天都在心裡重複播放這些問題。但又沒有找到答案。
Can I still be a doctor? These questions replay in my mind every day. But no answer was found.
然後很快的，上班時間又到了，依然要整理好自己，準時開診，隨時保持在狀態，面對下一位病人，日復一日。
Then soon, it's time to go to work again. I need to compose myself, start the clinic on time, and be ready to face the next patient at any time, day after day.
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他們都會讓我想起小時候的自己，只是我現在才知道，人們跟「生病」這件事的關係，好像跟我很不一樣。小時候我只要生病就會被罵、而且是羞辱的那種罵法。因為我又會害到媽媽要辛苦奔波帶我去看醫生，又要花很多錢，我們家錢夠嗎？然後咳嗽很吵，吵到他們都睡不著，氣到對我吼說「你不要再咳嗽了！」。上學以後，生病會讓我無法控制自己的身體，跟不上同學，讓我變成一個同學都不願意靠近的噁心生物。
They all remind me of myself as a child, but I only now realize that people’s relationship with “being sick” seems to be very different from mine. When I was a kid, whenever I got sick I would be scolded, and the way she put it was always very humiliating. Because I would cause my mother to run around to take me to see a doctor, and it cost a lot of money. Do we have enough money? I was coughing and making too much noise that they couldn't sleep, and they got so angry and yelled at me, "Stop coughing!" In school, being sick would make me unable to control my body, unable to keep up with my classmates, and make me a disgusting creature that no classmates would want to get close to me.
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總之我覺得自己生病是一件很羞恥的事情，我必須不生病、不痛，如果有也不能被人發現才行。也許是這樣，當有人喊著痛要來找我治療的時候，大多數的情況，都讓我默默驚訝，原來人是會因為這種程度的痛和不舒服來看醫生的。而且大家都很敢講自己不舒服。為什麼他們不用被罵？
In short, I think being sick is a very shameful thing. I must not be sick or in pain, and if I am sick, no one can find out. Maybe that's the case. When someone comes to me for treatment, complaining of pain, in most cases I am silently surprised that people would come to see a doctor because of this level of pain and discomfort. And everyone is brave enough to say that they are not feeling well. Why don't they get scolded?
↞ Chapter 1/4 ↠
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