對診所經營者來說，診所得經營得下去，才能繼續提供服務，所以不太能跟商業經營脫鉤。但以醫師的身份去做事情，界線到底在哪裡？一個中醫診所可以看西醫所有科別還列舉不完的病，難道不會有人覺得奇怪嗎？而且中醫還有一招，「調身體」，所以要來看中醫其實不缺理由。
For clinic operators, the clinic must "stay alive" in order to continue providing services, so it is impossible to decouple it from commercial operations. But where is the line when it comes to doing it as a doctor? A Chinese medicine clinic can treat all the diseases that cannot be listed in all Western medicine departments. Wouldn’t anyone find it strange? Moreover, Chinese medicine has another trick, “adjusting and rebalancing” your health, so you can always have a reason for seeing a Chinese medicine doctor.
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很多時候已經到了一個，任何人都可以用一個「痛」字、用他的不舒服來要求我做，說是醫療的服務，到他滿意為止的地步了。這裡面有醫療專業元素的拿捏嗎？還是病人想要什麼，醫生就要提供什麼，然後發生了什麼事，責任還是都在醫師身上？
Many times, it has come to a point where anyone can use the word "pain" or their discomfort to ask me to provide them with medical services until they are satisfied. Is there any medical professional ingredient involved here? Or is it that the doctor should provide what the patient wants, and then if something happens, the responsibility still lies with the doctor?
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「醫生就是要這樣，工作不能被私人情緒影響，要化悲傷為力量幫助人。」
“This is what a doctor should be like. We should separate personal emotions while working, and we must turn grief into strength to help people.”
後來我才知道這不是沒有代價的。到了2024年底，以前覺得沒關係工作就是這樣的事，漸漸的越來越難再繼續下去了，我才知道原來是有極限的。不論是診所還是醫院，問題都在。在醫院的時候主要感受到的是面對權力結構的無力感，而在地方診所，是對人們的看病習慣感受很深刻，心情很複雜。
I later learned that this was not without cost. I used to think it was okay and that’s how work is, but gradually it became harder and harder to carry on and by the end of 2024, I realized that there is a limit. Whether it’s clinic or hospital, the problem always exists. When I was in the hospital, the main thing I felt was the helplessness in the face of the power structure, while in the local clinic, I was deeply confused by people's habits of seeking medical care and had been bothered so much by internal conflicts.
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中醫診所有時候會讓我覺得像養生館，有不舒服就來找醫生，沒有不舒服當保養也好。也有看護每隔一天就會把綁在輪椅上（因為頭和身體軟綿綿會東倒西歪），已經人時地說不清楚的慢性病末期病患，推過來，說家屬希望能用針灸讓他好起來，如果可以開藥就更好了。
Sometimes I feel like Chinese medicine clinic is a health club. If people feel unwell, they come to see a doctor. If they feel nothing seriously unusual, they can still come and have treatments as some sort of a maintenance. There is also a caregiver who bring over a patient every other day. The patient has been tormented by terminal chronic diseases and is disoriented. She has to tie the patient on a wheelchair (because his head and body are floppy that he can’t sit steady on the wheelchair). She tells me that their family members hope that acupuncture can make him better. It would be even better if I could prescribe medicine.
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12月有一天早上上班路上，我突然想通了「百貨公司」是什麼意思，所以這是要病人自己開order的意思囉。
One morning in December, on my way to work, I suddenly realized what "department store" meant, so it meant that patients prescribe for themselves.
這每一件事累積起來，都逐漸讓我產生越來越不協調的感覺。如果治療沒有終點，永遠都重複一樣的劇情，每隔一天或每隔一週我就會重複為同個人做同樣的事，那是不是就停在這一次就好？
Each of these things piled up and gradually generated a tension of dissonance in my mind. If there is no end to the treatment, and the same plot always repeats itself, and I will do the same thing to the same person every other day or every other week, should I just break this cycle?
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「化悲傷為力量」只是一個很好笑又空虛的口號，讓你以為自己很重要，做的事情很有意義。
“We must turn grief into strength to help people.” It's just a funny and hollow slogan that makes you think you are important and what you do is meaningful.
其實我一直寫不出來這些事，是因為一旦我寫出來，就是承認了自己的難堪，也好像是讓原本一直跟自己說「不是這樣」的東西，轉變為真。我會覺得有點對不起那些一路上遇到的好病人，好老師，好同事，待我如朋友如家人的人，他們都在不同時刻推了我一下讓我又再走下去。但好像現在已經不夠支撐下去了。
In fact, I have never been able to write about these things because once I write them down, it means I am acknowledging the paradox that resides in me, and it also makes things I’ve persuaded myself into denial turns to be true. I feel a little sorry for the good patients, good teachers, good colleagues I met along the way, and the people who treated me like friends and family. They all pushed me at different times to get me going again. But it seems that it’s not enough for me to go forward anymore.
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社會上大多數人是不接受「病」「老」「死」的，而醫生永遠不能違背要救人的使命，永遠被拿某人的健康和生命作威脅。但為什麼不能每個人都負起照顧好自己的責任，盡可能不要走到生病、必須醫療介入的地步？
Most people in society do not accept "illness", "aging" and "death", but doctors can never abandon the spirit of saving lives and are always threatened by someone who might get seriously injured or ill. But why can't everyone take responsibility for taking care of themselves and try not to get sick to the point where medical intervention is needed?
我相信科學研究，也相信新的醫療技術和觀念會繼續出現，但同時又覺得，人就是拒絕承擔最一開始該承擔下來的痛苦，才往後衍生這麼多綿延的掙扎與困境。
I believe in scientific research, and I believe that new medical technologies and concepts will continue to emerge, but at the same time I feel that it is because people refuse to bear the pain they should have borne in the first place that so many prolonged struggles and difficulties arise.
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「化悲傷為力量」，但當你一次又一次化悲傷為力量，結果發現你幫助的人都是什麼樣子，突然會覺得自己到底在做什麼呢？
“We must turn grief into strength to help people.” But when you turn your grief into strength again and again, and you see people you’re helping really are, you suddenly wonder what on earth am I doing?
你以為跟你一起走的人是夥伴，但他們只是暫時跟你走同方向。他們沒有背叛，因為他們從一開始就不是你的夥伴。
You think that the people walking with you are partners, but they are just walking in the same direction with you temporarily. They have not betrayed you because they were not your partners from the beginning.
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有新藥、新的療法出現的時候我是樂見其成，但也不會太抱希望。對我來說，醫療會顯得風光，就只有在一個精挑細選的角度，截圖去看才好看，實際上是如何，根本無法明說。但好像也不重要了。
I am happy to see new drugs and new therapies come out, but I won’t hold too high hopes. To me, medicine can appear to be glamorous and full of hope, but it only looks good from a carefully chosen angle and through screenshots. It is impossible to tell what it is actually like. But it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.
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有一天我突然想到要問自己，如果我離開這裡，會對誰造成什麼損失嗎？答案是不會。病人永遠找得到醫生看病，在台灣，人們並不缺醫生可以看。想到這裡，我就放心了。我怎麼做都只會影響到自己，那我只要處理好自己就好了。
One day it occurred to me to ask myself, if I leave here, will it cause any loss to anyone? The answer is no. Patients can always find a doctor, and there is no shortage of doctors in Taiwan. Thinking of this, I feel relieved. Whatever I do will only affect myself, so I just need to take care of myself.
↞ Chapter 4/4 ↠
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