有的時候，就是透過他人引起的情緒，仔細去觀察自己內心的波動，然後深入思考，才意外發現自己還有很多不曾認真看清楚的一面。例如看到人哭著求饒、求助，會引起我陡然升高的憤怒。倒不是對那些人，而是對整個情景，還有導致這一幕的一切感到憤怒。
Sometimes, it is through the emotions triggered by others, carefully observing the turmoils in your heart, and looking deeper, that you unexpectedly discover that there are many sides of yourself that you have never carefully considered. For example, seeing people crying for mercy or asking for help would cause a sudden rage in me, which is hard to explain. Actually, I’m not angry at those people, but angry at the whole situation, and everything that led to it.
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回想起R1的時候爸爸剛死，我還是要照常上班，還很怕因為這樣自己沒把工作做好。然後接了一個加護病房的會診，要給家屬簽針灸同意書。家屬一直跟我哭，我還要安慰他們。
後來我跟VS說剛剛超危險的，我好怕自己在那邊大哭會停不下來。VS回說正好ㄚ，你要把悲傷化為力量幫助他們。
感覺是在鼓勵我，但心情真的很複雜。
Looking back at the time when I was a first-year resident, my father had just passed away, but I still had to go to work as usual. And the thing I was thinking about then, was whether those emotions was going to distract me and that I might not do my job well because of this. Then I got a call, a consultation case from ICU for acupuncture treatment. The patient’s family members had to sign a consent form for acupuncture. The family members kept crying so hard to me and I had to comfort them.
Later I told VS that it was extremely dangerous, I may have cried and if I did, I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop crying. He replied, “That’s perfect. You should turn your grief into strength and help them.”
Somehow I knew he was giving me encouragement, but it was really complicated to describe my feelings then.
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我那時候真的覺得學長說得好勵志，醫生就是要這樣，工作不能被私人情緒影響，要化悲傷為力量幫助人。
At that time, I really considered what my senior said was so inspiring. This is what a doctor should be like. We should separate personal emotions while working, and we must turn grief into strength to help people.
其實我接到家裡電話的時候正要過斑馬線，那是我走過最長的斑馬線，到了對面我忍不住在路邊小哭了一下，但夜診的時間很快就要到了，眼睛哭太腫等下要怎麼面對病人？只好不要想、不要想、專心上班就好。
In fact, when I received the call from home, I was about to cross the zebra crossing. It was the longest zebra crossing I had ever walked. When I got to the other side, I couldn’t help crying a little on the roadside. But it was about the time for the night clinic, and I could not possibly see my patients if I kept crying. How am I going to face the patients later? So I just stopped thinking about it and focused on my work.
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我們那屆適逢中醫負責醫制度實施頭幾年，緊接著又多了中醫專科試辦計畫。學長剛接下計劃主持人的任務，說從我們那屆要開始「認真」做了。也就是認真檢查病例作業、定期做投影片報告、像小學生那樣再重複一次實習的過程，到處給老師聯絡簿簽名，過關蒐集印章。
Our class happened to be in the first few years of the implementation of the Clinical Training System for Chinese Medicine practitioners, and then there was another pilot training program for Chinese Medicine specialties. My senior had just taken on the task of project leader and said that we would start to do it "seriously". That is, to carefully check case assignments, make slide reports regularly, repeat the internship process like a primary school student, get signs on the "passport" everywhere, and collect stamps when passing the level.
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那是一段我到現在還感到疑惑的時期，一邊受訓，一邊自己寫訓練制度，做期中期末報告給上面的去報告給他們的長官聽。報告的人要自己點出問題，然後長官問說那怎麼辦，所以誰提出問題，就是誰要負責想辦法解決問題。
That was a period that still puzzles me. While I was going through the training, I also wrote the training program at the same time and made midterm and final reports so my superiors could bring the report to their superiors. And whoever raises the problem in the training program is responsible for finding a way to solve it. Because the bureau requires a clear explanation of what we are gonna do about it.
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中醫R3的專科訓練，不同在於選一個專攻項目相關的西醫科別，發正式公文到西醫那邊，讓中醫住院醫師過去受訓幾個月。（我到睡眠中心受訓又是另外的故事了，當時差點不能去，行政助理說從來沒有發過睡眠中心受訓的公文，不知道怎麼發。）
The training of Chinese medicine R3 is different in that everyone gets to choose a Western medicine department related to what he/she expects to be professional with. The Chinese medicine department sends a formal document to the Western medicine department, which allows the residents to go training for a few months. (My training at the sleep center is another story. I almost couldn’t go because the administrative assistant said they had never issued any official documents for training at the sleep center and she didn’t know how to send them.)
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報告都我們在寫，還要幫忙催上一屆醫師累積未交的病例作業。訓練即將完成的時候，我們的上上一屆，都還沒有拿到中醫專科證照，但默認有參加就是全通過，而再資歷久一點的，因為是我們都要稱老師的，所以不用參加訓練直接認證。因為怎麼可能要中醫老前輩們再回來跟醫學生一起跑一輪訓練呢？
We were the ones writing the reports, and also the ones helping to track the case assignments of the senior doctor he didn’t turn in on time. When we were about to complete our training, our senior doctors had not yet obtained the Chinese medicine specialist license, but it was assumed that everyone had passed the training program. As for those older Chinese medicine doctors, they were assumed to be having specialties without having to attend any training. Because how is it possible to ask the senior masters of Chinese medicine to come back and go through the training along with the young physicians?
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終於完成針灸專科訓練了，也沒有一個實質證明可以和其他中醫做區別。聽說有其他醫院是要求中醫住院醫師全部參加，就是內科、婦科、兒科、針灸、和傷科。我不知道他們是怎麼辦到的，因為光是一科針灸專科我們就忙不過來了。
Then I finally completed my training program (it’s an official certification for specialty in acupuncture), but there was still no substantial proof that could distinguish me from other Chinese medicine practitioners. I heard that there are hospitals that require all Chinese medicine residents to enroll in all the Chinese medicine sub-division specialties training programs, which are: internal medicine, gynecology, pediatrics, acupuncture, and traumatology. I don’t know how they handled it, because we are too busy with just the acupuncture specialty training program.
中醫針灸專科訓練沒有證照，反而是先通過睡眠中心的訓練拿到睡眠專科證照。
There is no certificate for specialized training in Acupuncture. But I passed the training at a sleep centre and got a sleep specialist certificate.
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從醫院離職後找到的第一份診所工作，有一天我才注意到診所的院長牌子上其中一列寫著「中醫針灸專科醫師」。那時的院長剛好是我R1時的CR學姊，她離職的時候，中醫負責醫制度都還在爭議，調整改制階段，更別說有完整的中醫分科專科制度了。但好像一直到現在，誰都可以自由發揮頭銜和學經歷。我覺得沒什麼不行，但同時又忍不住思考，那我幾年下來那些辛苦，又是在做什麼呢？
I found a job in the clinic after quitting from the hospital. One day I just noticed one of the titles on the Chief’s name board was “Chinese Medicine Acupuncture Specialist”. She happened to be the chief resident of our department when I was R1. At the time she left her job in the hospital, the Clinical Training System for Chinese Medicine practitioners was still controversial and in the stage of adjustment and restructuring, not to mention a complete system of specialty training in Chinese medicine. But it seems that until now, everyone can freely write their titles and academic experience. I think there's nothing wrong with it, but at the same time, I can't help but think, what have I been doing, with all the hard work I've put in, over the years?
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中醫要不要分專科，從一開始就很有討論空間，各有優缺點。但「中醫專科」的用意，目前看起來只是為了限縮特定處置的執行權利和收費權利，不完全和中醫能力的訓練和認證有關，但似乎又無法完全強制。中醫也早就有自費項目蓬勃發展了，由各自組成的學會自己去發證照。到頭來，從醫院出來以後也發現，那些資歷其實也不重要，醫師排隊人數要很多，或是很有名，這些才是實力不是嗎？
Whether or not Chinese medicine should develop into branches according to specialties has been a topic of discussion since the beginning, as either way has its own advantages and disadvantages. However, the purpose of "Chinese Medicine Specialties" currently seems to be only to limit the rights to do specific management and charging for specific treatments. It is not entirely related to the training and certification of Chinese medicine capabilities, and it also seems impossible to enforce it. Moreover, Chinese medicine in Taiwan has already developed various self-paid treatments, with each institute issuing its own licenses and certificates. In the end, after leaving the hospital, I found that those qualifications are actually not important. People consider the doctor good as long as there’s a lot of patients lining up to see her/him, or if he/she is famous.
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中醫負責醫制度剛實行的時候，只有少數幾家醫學中心有訓練資格，當時很多已經畢業出去在診所工作的學長姐不得不找醫院，回來醫院跟我們一起「訓練」，以拿到開業醫資格。但我感覺與其說來受訓，比較像是回來做實習醫學生的工作，幫忙拔針，提供中醫科別人力。我就親眼看到一個代訓學姊要診所醫院兩頭跑，在休息室講到哭出來，她因為太累，在高速公路上差點車禍。
（我只待過一家醫學中心，各家醫院體系的文化氛圍和執行狀況都不一樣，所以這只是我的一己之見，只是自言自語而已。）
At the time the Clinical Training System for Chinese Medicine practitioners was first implemented, only a few medical centers were qualified for training. Many doctors who had been working in clinics had to find hospitals (to register for training programs) and come back for training in the hospital in order to obtain the qualification to be a responsible physician (if he/she wants to open a clinic themselves). But I feel that rather than coming here for training, it was more like coming back to do the work as a medical intern, helping to remove needles and providing manpower to the Chinese medicine department. I saw with my own eyes a trainee sister who had to run back and forth between the clinic she works at and the hospital; she cried while talking about it, she almost had a car accident on the highway because she was too tired.
(I have only worked in one medical center, and each hospital system has their own culture/vibe and the way they do the training, so this is just my personal opinion, just talking to myself.)
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