Nino d'Heresie

原來以前工作的單位，說要配合醫院發展  AI  的願景，要我們這些底層醫師做的事有一個專有名詞，叫做「 AI  資料處理員」，內容就是從大量病歷資料做各種歸類和標記，把資料整理成  AI  吃得下的樣子。   學長姐讓學弟妹們相信自己是走在科技尖端的新中醫，而且貢獻度夠高的話（學長還發明了一套計算貢獻值的制度），有朝一日會讓你的名字出現在作者群，甚至分到一篇當第一作者的 paper ，你就有升上主治醫師必備的門票了。而且做這些事都是利用臨床業務之餘的時間和體力，你得自己想辦法跟上團隊發配的進度，並參與小組定期  meeting ，而這一切都是你自願免費去做的，因為你會怕自己在這裡待不下去。整個環境就是這樣告訴你的。你也無法向任何人說，畢竟這是自由參加，但他們也讓你相信，不參加你也死定了。就像我後來的下場一樣。不過也許我這叫做裸辭。 I didn’t know it had a term for the thing we’re doing (I left that job two years ago), it’s called "Data Processing." Our department leader, aiming to align with the hospital's AI ambitions, assigned us junior physicians a mission, which seemed like sorting, categorising, and labelling a large amount of medical records, organising the contexts into a format suitable for feeding to the AI.  Seniors convinced us juniors that we were cutting-edge practitioners of Chinese medicine, and that if we contributed enough (he even invented a system for calculating contributions), we'd one ...

 「不要問人得了什麼病，卻要問這病找上什麼病人。」 “Ask not what disease the person has, but rather what person the disease has.” 我對「愛」什麼的其實並沒有太深刻的認同感，有時候甚至對試圖表達此概念的人和他們產出的東西產生深刻的厭惡，有時候則是某種非肉體的疼痛（很像低溫燒傷那種感覺）。也許是「愛」這個主題已經被用爛了。但我覺得比愛更偉大的人類情感是「原諒」。這想法是看了《 The Two Popes 》之後出現的。《黎亞》故事的最後也讓我很意外，我細思了許久事情演變至此，孩子的父母仍能和主治醫師互相擁抱這件事。該如何消化它帶給我的震撼。 I don’t really have a deep sense of identity with “love” or something like that. Sometimes I even feel a deep resentment towards those who try to express it and the things they produce. Other times, it's a kind of non-physical pain (much like the feeling of a low-temperature burn). Perhaps the theme of "love" has been overused. But I believe that a greater human emotion than love is "forgiveness." This thought came to me after watching The Two Popes . The ending of The Spirit Catches You And You Fall Down also surprised me. I pondered for a long time the fact that, after all these had happened, the child's parents were still able to embrace the attend...

  我是羊。 羊會把糧食種在背上，黃色的蒲公英。 羊總是跟著獅子走，獅子背上是紫色的花（洋桔梗的紫色）。 羊知道獅子會吃羊，但還是會跟著獅子走。 羊覺得自己天生就是給獅子吃的，甚至覺得被獅子吃掉是一種榮耀。 獅子排成兩列縱隊要遷徙了。羊看到了就趕快也排成兩排要跟著走，大家都要把蒲公英在背上種好，然後跟上隊伍。 我同時從空中俯瞰視角，也從地面上羊的視角。有一個看不見形體的女聲在耳邊講述規矩，好像我是新生得教我規矩一樣。 她說：「一定要跟著前面的走，不可以跨越、岔出，或自己走別的方向⋯⋯」我剛聽到這句話就往旁邊一橫，切過松鼠的隊伍（造成一陣交通混亂）。 我只是就是知道他們的目標是那個方向，所以我就用最短距離的路徑走了。我有聽到那個女聲說的話，我有聽懂她說的意思，但我同時也不覺得有任何理由不用我認為最合理的路徑走。我無法理解有任何必要非得跟著前面一隻羊的後面走，繞過不明所以的路徑然後跟上獅子的隊伍。 我岔出去的當下腦中有「啊。」的不妙——「我好像沒照規矩來」但一旦岔出去卻又沒任何理由往回修正路線（而且我不覺得自己這樣有做錯）。然後我後面的羊就跟著我走另一條路、另一個方向，再也不會回到原來羊群的道路（因為他們只會跟著前一隻羊走，他們從來沒思考過。）兩群羊就分開了。 I am a sheep. Sheep grow their food on their backs—yellow dandelions. Sheep always follow lions, whose backs are covered with purple flowers (the purple of lisianthus). Sheep know lions eat them, but they still follow lions. Sheep believe they were born to be eaten by lions, and even consider it an honor to be eaten by lions. The lions line up in two columns, ready to migrate. Seeing this, the sheep quickly formed two columns to follow, each planting dand...

高速皮質鉛療法 (戳到我笑點了 High-Velocity Transcortical Lead Therapy ( This one really got me! 𖧶 最新借的一本書，書名叫《黎亞》——從醫病衝突到跨文化誤解的傷害 選了這本書，是希望能療癒自己從之前的工作離職後還沒處理好的內在衝突。我跟自己說過，這可能再也好不了了；對於「醫療」這件事，對於自己從事的工作以及面對的「人」，充滿了一言難盡的複雜情感，對之又愛又恨。 雖然現在開設自己的診所佔了我幾乎所有的精神和心力，但這次回來其實還有另一件重要的事，就是讓自己的心好起來。   I've been reading this book recently,  The Spirit Catches You And You Fall Down A Homng child, her American doctors, and the collision of the two cultures I chose this book hoping to heal the internal conflict I'd been dealing with since leaving my previous job. I'd told myself it might never heal; I was filled with complex emotions about healthcare, the work I do, and the people I deal with—a love-hate relationship. Although opening my own clinic now takes up almost all of my energy and attention, there is actually another important thing I want to do when I return to my hometown, which is to heal my heart.